Monday, March 1, 2021



When it comes to white coaters, SEXUAL CUSTOMS IN SCANDINAVIA is definitely one of them.  Sorry I can't be more effusive.  It's not bad as these things go, but it looks like plans were changed in production of this movie.

We open with the standard travelogue footage and a narrator using a Yumpin' Yiminy fake accent lecturing us on the new direction in sexual freedom with our Scandinavian brothers and sisters.  Then we switch to another narrator (uh oh), a very uncomfortable woman chain smoking her way through the proceedings as she pretends to be a therapist.  The case studies she presents don't really enlighten us on the so-called "sexual customs in Scandinavia" but rather are your standard variety sex manual "issues" so commonplace in these sex-ed movies.

My skepticism about this film being originally conceived as another installment in the usually faked Danish/Swede/etc. sub-genre is that the bulk of it doesn't match the promise of the title.  There is a SECOND (male) doctor seen throughout the segments.  Our host therapist never interacts with any of her "patients"; she merely relates their stories and how she referred them to the other doctor.  So while the stories of those segments basically play out the same as they would have before, they are usually presented sans dialogue with the principals given surnames like "Stenvig" and "Thorens."

It's too bad these are related almost entirely through narration, because I would have liked to hear what was being said in these vignettes.  Jason and Tina Russell are on-hand, in a segment that uses sex puppets (not as much fun as it sounds).  Shaun Costello, Jamie Gillis and Dolly Sharp also get in on this early production.  Jamie in particular looks impossibly young.  And then there's the one-shot(?) girl who plays Uma/Uta/Ulma/whatever her name is.  Credited as Angelica Bender in the film, she is worth the price of admission all by herself.

I can't call this boring, but it's not as interesting as some of the better white coaters.  It mostly serves as an early glimpse at some legendary performers and as a time capsule of the hardcore film genre as it was enduring its growing pains.  For some of us, that's enough.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

People Who Live in Glass Houses... by trigudis (review)

"People Who Live in Glass Houses..." by trigudis

Here's another period piece, though it goes back even further into the late 60s/early 70s.  The exact year is not really specified, and it's not vital either.  The era is less important in this one except in giving an air of more innocence to the characters involved.

Though this is another brother/sister tale, the primary POV is actually that of one of the brother's acquaintances.  After hearing his buddy Martin Prager brag about numerous and mysterious sexual exploits, Ben Holtzman happens to accidentally discover one night that Martin has been telling the truth all along and not just bullshitting his friends.  Martin hasn't been completely honest though because of the identity of his secret paramour. It's none other than Martin's sister Gale, which Ben learns when he spies them in the middle of a hot bout of lovemaking through the entirely glass wall of their home's den.

Doing this kind of story thru an outsider's perspective can be tricky, and it's something readers might reject.  I find it an intriguing way to examine the dynamics of forbidden sexual attraction and how others react to it.  The author does have to switch to the siblings perspective to fully flesh out his premise and provide the big payoff.  I'm not sure there was another way to handle it as structured.

I liked the wistfulness portrayed herein (another aspect of the period setting, I think).  There is also a genuine affection sketched out between the main characters instead of the rote "Oh isn't this so hot" cliché so common in lesser examples of the genre.  The coda is oddly satisfying if maybe a bit impersonal in its delivery.  But I guess that's part of it being told by someone who is on the outside looking into this unusual relationship.

Tuesday, February 23, 2021



(NOTE: Despite the identical title, this release is unrelated to the Vinegar Syndrome DVD of the same name which came out in 2015.  Well, that DVD isn't "officially" called AVON TRIPLE FEATURE, but that phrase is prominently displayed on the packaging.)

AVON TRIPLE FEATURE collects three 1980s films directed by Phil Prinz (aka Phil Prince) for the notorious Avon Productions.  Both Avon and Prinz have reputations that precede them, and while I've enjoyed my previous sojourns into their catalogs enough, I can't say I quite "got it" when it came to their joint infamy.  Now, I think I do.

Though this Blu-Ray collects three of Prinz's films, the total running time is probably just under three hours.  FORGIVE ME I HAVE SINNED is what I can only label as a highly twisted morality play.  THE STORY OF PRUNELLA is a roughie in the most classic sense, with a subtle focus on being a character study.  PAIN MANIA is a semi-documentary chronicling both live sex shows and the performers that appear in them.

THE STORY OF PRUNELLA is the most famous film in this set, and there's a good reason.  It's dirty and gritty and occasionally downright shocking.  Plus, it's sneaky in some respects which may not sink in until after it's over.  PAIN MANIA is the weakest offering, occasionally sliding (intentionally?) into utter incoherence.  FORGIVE ME I HAVE SINNED falls somewhere in-between, and I might jokingly refer to it as a feel good BDSM movie.  But honestly, if you're looking for the hard stuff, you won't find it in American movies of this vintage.

This set gave me a new appreciation of the charms of Cheri Champagne and Ambrosia Fox.  I doubt they would have been "stars" for anyone other than Avon, but I do have a predilection for supporting performer types.  The real revelation, however, was George Payne.  He's not noted as being a "great actor" and certainly he's not in the same zip code as someone like Jamie Gillis.  That said, he brings a manic energy and over-the-top lunacy to his madmen that is vaguely upsetting.

I cannot in good conscience call Phil Prinz a great director based on his body of work that I've seen.  He takes too many shortcuts, and his preoccupation with flatulence for no good reason gets on my nerves.  I do have to concede that he's a compelling filmmaker and an effective pornographer.  His films are tightly-edited, and they never drag just to fill a running time.  What's even more remarkable is that they are mostly concerned with just the sex, and yet they don't feel especially repetitive (even when he loops stuff back).

I'd like to see future volumes in this series, but I'm not optimistic.  Still, this is a worthwhile release for these films. I cannot imagine them ever looking better. 

AVON TRIPLE FEATURE is available via Massacre Video.

Monday, February 22, 2021

My Favorite Classic Adult Film Stars - Part 5

RECAP:  The present author has been using Hotmovies to maintain a list of my favorite (classic) adult film stars.  This is not intended as a comprehensive list of the best or most legendary stars; these are just my personal favorites, and this list is purely for fun.  I have included links to each performer's Hotmovies profile, their Internet Movie Database (IMDb) profile, their Internet Adult Film Database (IAFD) profile, and (where applicable) their dedicated thread at the Vintage Erotica Forum (VEF).  The present author cannot guarantee that there are no errors at these links.  Just something to keep in mind as you explore.

This list is in no particular order, except for the first two entries.  In cases where a performer is known by multiple names, I've gone with my personal preference.  Not all the profiles use the same names for the same person.

This is the fifth installment of an ongoing series.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

41 - Eva Hausman

Hotmovies - IMDb (also) - IAFD - VEF (N/A)

42 - Lina Romay

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

43 - Justine Taylor

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF (N/A)

44 - Holly McCall

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

45 - Crystal Breeze

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

46 - Honey Wilder

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

47 - Angel

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

48 - Rachel Ashley

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

49 - Arcadia Lake

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

50 - Anna Ventura

Hotmovies - IMDb - IAFD - VEF

To be continued...

Saturday, February 20, 2021



Remember kids - Your Online Secret watches terrible adult films so you don't have to!

Our subject today is UP DESIREE LANE, directed by Leonard Kirtman during the same period he made HOT FLASHES (available via Vinegar Syndrome).  If you loved HOT FLASHES, I am sad to report UP DESIREE LANE isn't nearly as entertaining.  If you hated HOT FLASHES, I am sure you are astonished to learn it can possibly get worse.  Trust me, it can.

The premise is this is the "true story" of how Desiree Lane got into porn, and though she plays "herself," everyone refers to her as Michelle so I guess that's her shoot name (wrestling reference goes here).  I have no idea if there is a shred of actual truth here.  It's...not completely implausible how things go down, though it absolutely didn't happen the way it's depicted.  And that's it.  It's very much a Point A to Point B to Point C to The End kind of movie.

It's mostly uninspired and plodding and only sexy if you're desperate for porn and this is what's available.  It does feature Nicole Blanc, the performer who worked only for Kirtman - though she is billed as Nicole West and that's someone else.  Oh, and if you liked the HOT FLASHES theme song, it gets recycled during a sex scene here.  So there's that.

Honestly, I was going to recommend this only to diehard Desiree Lane fans or masochists, and I fit both criteria.  But then I got to the yacht scene at the end and...well, I'm pretty sure this is the same boat seen in FEMALE ATHLETES and INSIDE DESIREE COUSTEAU (probably elsewhere too), but it wasn't used as creatively in those.  Honestly, there might be better boat sex scenes than this in the history of adult cinema, but I was doubly impressed because 1) it's Kirtman and 2) the misbegotten mess that preceded it.  It upped my evaluation just a mite, but the question you have to ask yourself is this: Is it worth sitting thru the previous 50+ minutes to get there?

(VCA's version of UP DESIREE LANE appears to be cut, to the surprise of no one.  The credits list Jay Serling as "Daddy" but he doesn't appear.  The run time is only 66 minutes, which is shorter than 74 on IMDB and 76 on IAFD.  IAFD doesn't list a Jay Serling/Desiree Lane sex scene as having been trimmed, so who knows?  Maybe that dates back to the original release?)

Finally, as your reward for making it thru this much discussion of Leonard Kirtman, here is a screenshot of Nick Niter's "Xciter Niter" robe which I assume came from his other gig as a male stripper.  It was the best laugh I got during the movie.  It may be the single most memorable thing about it.

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Hi, I'm Gina Valentino

Hi, I'm Gina Valentino.  I don't do it for the money, cause I've got lots of that.  And I don't do it for the love, cause I got plenty of that, too.  I do it for the sex, and I do it for the lust, and I do it so you can watch me.

Come and see me in my first motion picture.  I'm one of the All-American Girls, and I'll blow you away!

--From the trailer to ORIENTAL JADE (1985).

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Tiki Torch Girl

Here's another Tumblr discovery, edited for our protection.  Pretty sure this one came from either an account named "mondotopless" or one named "sundeck."  They were both run by the same person and had similar content, so I'm excusing my confusion.  I don't know the name of this model or the origin of this photo.  I don't even know the exact timeframe, but I would guess it's 1960s vintage.  All I know is I love this photo in all its innocent, sun-drenched glory.

The full image is behind the cut!